What Is Co-Regulation?

We often hear about the importance of helping children “regulate” their emotions, but what is co-regulation? And how do you do it?

Co-regulation is the process of helping your child feel safe, calm, and emotionally stable by using your own calm, steady presence. Before children learn how to self-regulate, they rely on their caregiver’s nervous system to guide them back to balance. In simple terms: you share your calm with them.

Why It Matters

Young children, especially babies and toddlers, haven’t learned how to handle big emotions like frustration, fear, or sadness. Their nervous system is still developing, and they need help learning how to calm down when they feel overwhelmed. This is true for all kids, but it can be especially important for children who are neurodivergent, highly sensitive, or have sensory processing differences. This is because their nervous systems may react more strongly to stress and take longer to return to calm. Big emotions can feel even bigger for them, and they often need extra support to feel safe and calm again.

When a child is upset and a caregiver responds with warmth, calm tone, gentle touch, or soft words, the child begins to feel safe enough to settle. Over time, through repeated experiences of co-regulation, children start learning how to manage those feelings on their own. But it starts with you showing them how.

How It Works

Think of it like this: your child’s emotions are like waves. When the waves get rough, they need a steady shore to come back to. If your child is having a meltdown or is scared, your calm body language, soft voice, and steady presence act as that shore.

Co-regulation isn’t about fixing their feelings or making the emotions go away. It’s about being there with them in the hard moments so they don’t have to face those feelings alone. It can have life long benefits for a child to learn to calm down from overwhelming emotions early in life.

Some ways co-regulation can look in real life:

• Take Slow Breaths Together
  Breathe deeply and slowly, and invite your child to match your rhythm if they’re able.
  
• Use Gentle Touch or Soothing Pressure
  Offer a hand to hold, a cuddle, or place your hand gently on their back or shoulder (if they’re comfortable with touch).
  
• Stay Close and Be Present
  Sometimes just sitting quietly nearby helps your child feel safe enough to calm down.
  
• Keep Your Voice Calm and Steady
  Use a soft, slow tone when speaking. Simple phrases like “I’m here. You’re safe.” can be powerful.
  
• Offer Sensory Supports
  Weighted blankets, soft textures, calming scents, or dimmed lights can help regulate the nervous system.
  
• Pause to Regulate Yourself First
  If you’re feeling overwhelmed, step back (if safe to do so), breathe, and calm yourself before trying to calm your child.
  
• Stay Consistent and Predictable
  Familiar routines and responses help kids feel secure and know what to expect.
  

Co-Regulation Starts with You

The hard truth is: you can’t help your child calm down if you’re overwhelmed yourself. And for autistic, ADHD, or sensory-sensitive parents, staying regulated can be even harder, because their own nervous system may already be working overtime.

When your baby is upset and your own nervous system is already stressed, it’s hard to offer the calm they need. You might try all the soothing techniques, but if your body is tense and your mind is racing, your baby feels that too. Instead of calming down, they stay upset, and so do you. You may not understand why and get confused, frustrated and feel like you’re not doing good enough.

“You can’t co-regulate with your child if your own nervous system is overwhelmed.”

This is called co-dysregulation, when both parent and child are caught in the same spiral of overwhelm, feeding off each other’s stress.

It’s not your fault. It doesn’t mean you’re failing. It just means your body needs care too.

This is why learning how to regulate yourself is such an important part of parenting. That could be through sensory breaks, deep breaths, grounding techniques, or simply stepping away for a moment when it’s safe to do so. Sometimes the best first step to calm your child is to pause and calm yourself first.

And if things go off track, you lose your temper, start crying etc., repair matters more than perfection. Saying, “I got upset too, but I’m here now,” teaches your child that it’s okay to be human and have difficult feelings.

Further Reading

Hagan, M. (2025, February 25). What is co-regulation? Helping kids regulate their emotions requires managing your own. Child Mind Institute. https://childmind.org/article/what-is-co-regulation/

Salamon, M. (2024, April 3). Co-regulation: Helping children and teens navigate big emotions. Harvard Health Publishing. https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/co-regulation-helping-children-and-teens-navigate-big-emotions-202404033030